Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
