Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
