She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
