The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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