I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
