just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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