just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
