My liver just broke up with me...
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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