Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
