I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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