So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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