a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
