I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize