does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I currently don't understand fingers.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
