i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
