I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
