Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
