I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
