There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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