I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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