Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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