I think i peed on brittanys purse
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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