I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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