I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize