Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
