My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
