what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize