just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize