She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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