it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
