so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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