there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
