I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize