I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
