His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
