Cold hands, warm shart.
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
