he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize