So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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