Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
