i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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