I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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