i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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