The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
