at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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