Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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