i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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