my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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