Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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