Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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