you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
