Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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