Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
