I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
