so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
