I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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