I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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