He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
