I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize