Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
