i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
