she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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