when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
