puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
