I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
