I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
